ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
