even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
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They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
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I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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