I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just want nice things and good sex
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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