My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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