i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
