If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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