there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
