we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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