i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
