I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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