So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
