i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
