im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
