I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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