They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
