so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
