hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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