He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
