im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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