You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
