last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
