Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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