How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
