Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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