i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Houston, we have a squirter
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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