that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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