I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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