omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
