U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
and you fell through a lawn chair
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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