this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
