Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
