I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize