i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
