well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He passed out mid-signature
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
