I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
