There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm at about main and main street
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
