Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Dear god my vagina.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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