I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
there is puke in my bra ... again
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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