There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
