I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
this hospital has no fireball
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
