Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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