I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It's rum buckets o'clock
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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