Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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