my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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