Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
