I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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