Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
