doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
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Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
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You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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