Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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