I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My pussy is not your playground.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
