you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
