when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
