Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
nutella sex= disaster
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
