he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
